Thursday's Flavor: Chocolate Malted-Attire

Treat Your Feet to Something Special!


Today's milkshake is blended in a disgustingly satisfying flavor that explores a few new ways to accentuate your feet. Don't be alarmed by the adverb use of 'disgusting' either...it's just so interesting that it should be nasty, and secretly might be.

As seems to be a recurring theme here at The Daily Milkshake, it appears that people tend to overdo/overwork/overdevelop things that already appear to be good ideas. This Thursday's edition of Chocolate Malted-Attire shares some of the unnecessary creations people have developed with regard to footwear.

We all know, especially us ladies, that there is something to be said about an exceptional pair of shoes- be they stilettos, flats, wedge heels, slippers or some fly tennies. Men, if you also know something about any of the aforementioned shoe styles- hats off to you!

Given this fact, I'm sure that most of you won't have anything to say about the following:

Aside from the fact these look ridiculously uncomfortable, I can't figure out how the hell you'd even go about using these. It's sort of a mix between a ghetto rollerskate and a hospital bed for your foot- which basically translates to some pretty undeserving pain in the long run. Maximum functionality for these crippled kicks may be achieved in the arena of stripper fashion, given that they're still just as high as a clear-heeled shoe...but now you can slut on wheels for an extra added bonus!


...it seems as though some strippers may have already jumped on the bandwagon, and are now packing their clear heels with potpourri to cover up that fishy smell hovering 'up above'.


The limitations of BDSM footwear have now been expanded to include leather boots AND nail shoes! Nothing says 'torture me' like a hard metal object poking into your heel, and a chain to bind your feet together to really amplify the effect. Now available with a signature crystal letter to personalize your makeshift footwear.

Seriously, where the hell is the support here? And does it come in a shoebox? Or do you buy it in sort of a jewelery heap...similar to how you buy cheap bracelets or necklaces from Claires- bound with a plastic tape with a price tag on it, and they come in pairs of two?


I don't think QA caught this one. It was suppposed to be a boot, but instead it's a spring sandal. Not a seasonal one, but springy shoes that probably make you bounce when you walk. How quaint.


LOL!!

I don't think I need to say much for these, but they've gotta be good for those days when your clothes just dont seem to fit right and you feel like shit.


Feel the Earth between your toes all the time in your sassy grassy summer sandals. Brought to you by your local Krispy Kreme.

Since grass and donuts go well together...unless that's supposed to be some type of pothead metaphor.



I guess you can equate this to getting home and immediately retiring to the couch after a long and shitty day at work...only you're always on the couch because the couch is on your feet. This seems dangerous though, since the bliss of such a deep relaxation may result in an unproductive, uneventful or non-commenced day.

However, it does appear that the heel is issued by way of a thin metal 'leg'...for lack of better words. This could be the perfect balance of comfort and pain that one needs in order to survive a workday, although the workday itself is an excellent source of unwanted discomfort.

Use extreme caution in employing this footwear, or any footwear demonstrated here for that matter!

Wednesday's Flavor: Blueberry Design

Keeping it Small and Simple...

After a solid 2-weeks of closed cafe, The Daily Milkshake is open once again for a new round of laughs! The last few weeks have been completely dedicated to the job hunt/securing adequate employment in a ridiculously challenging economy. Fortunately for me, you and the milkshakes, this goal has been accomplished and the blending can ensue once more! It was definitely for the better that the blending break was initiated- else my posts would have called for a good weep rather than a wholesome laugh.

Regardless!

Today's posting keeps things short and sweet, sharing a fairly simple concept brought forth by who else but some engineers that seemingly have nothing better to do with their time.

INTRODUCING:

The UnoCycle:
It seems as though people will stick a motor on anything.

For the non-conformist that refuses to accept that some things run on two wheels and have done so for a considerable amount of time, the UnoCycle combines the concept of unicycle, motorbike and segway-all under one machine. Fellow non-conformist engineers developed the one-wheeled motorcycle to be extremely user friendly, with only an on/off switch and an intuitive movement system that essentially moves where your body tells it to.

More good news comes to bulky bikers, as the UnoCycle weighs in at a tiny 120 pounds...which is a mere one-handed lift for the average ripped rider. No parking out front at the bar? Hell, bring your ride in with you! People won't know what it is anyways. Just prop the bike up in the corner and lean on it as you throw back your whiskey shot- explore it's functionality as a bar stool!

...And worse case scenario, they figure out it's only a baby bike and kick you out for not having a real motorcycle.

Clearly this guy's a regular at the biker bar. Notice the defined forearms...

...and you can look like this too! With a few weeks of UnoCycling and some highwater jeans.

Special Flavor: Apologetic Vanilla

Apologies!

The Daily Milkshake cafe will be closed for the next little while (from May 22-June 9), and 're-opening' on June 10th for another fun-filled serving of cool beverages.

Lots is going on around here at the cafe- the next week will be dedicated to sort of putting things together and making sense of life.

Until then!


PortiaVyktouria
Master Blender

Thursday's Flavor: Chocolate-Malted Attire

Denim Fashions You Wouldn't Want to Be Caught Dead In...

As we all know, jeans are designed to provide the ultimate versatility. They look good with a casual tee, but can also be dressed up or dressed down as the situation requires. And with so many different styles, fits, washes, and designs...you really can't go wrong.

But nothing good exists without a blatant and direct opposition, where people run a little too hard with something a little too good.

Today's post shares some of the worst ideas for jeans ever invented. After you've reviewed them, I'm sure you will agree with me that we need to smite some of these people...since they've adequately demonstrated to us other 'more useful' members of society that they're highly incapable of any fruitful thought or creation.

Caution: These fashion atrocities aren't for the faint of heart. If you're nursing, pregnant, planning to become pregnant, know or have known someone that is/was, or simply know how to dress yourself properly, you may want to rethink your decision to view today's blog.


If you feel as though things may be too much for you, click here to be redirected somewhere less disturbing.

"Hey! Your shoe's untied!
Those are your pants? Oh..."

Do these count as corset-style jeans with a shoe attached, sort of like a feety pajama but with only a bottom half...or as just a really long ass shoe? Daryl von Wouw is the creative 'genius' that's responsible for these pantshoes, that are more formally called the Converse Extension. His online biography gives us the following excerpt about his chaotic design:

"[van Wouw is a] Dutch fashion designer, studied in The Hague and at the Fashion Institute Arnhem. His style is Streetwise based. He gets inspired by music."

Apparently he isn't listening to the right music. Maybe he needs to turn off whatever it is he listens to and get on some easy-listening...perhaps some smooth jazz will help him veer away from that. In van Wouw's defense, however, he does have some other pieces that are quite trendy. Maybe these pants are a product of him stepping out of the box on his music selection. Certain people respond certain ways to certain tunes!

Regardless, it's evident that they clearly don't obey the 'cross-situational' rule that applies to denim jeans. And as if the ashen-gray color doesn't already drive you to drink, van Wouw has instilled versatility within his chaos and gives you the option to 'pick your poison' with these other disgusting combinations:

(Going from left to right, the feature materials are fur, wool knit, leather, and....thong. None of these are acceptable materials for pants.)

Unleash your Inner Disco Queen!

...I actually just spent my last 2 minutes looking at these pants trying to figure out whether or not these things were alive. The website does the best job at describing these- I'm pretty speechless here, not gonna lie:

"Think of them as a cross between leg-warmers and some kind of fucked-up disco pants. They come in three sizes, and they also have a fair amount of stretch, so they'll stay up pretty well on their own. But of course they'll look a lot sexier with one of our garter belts."

You've gotta admit though- the fur at the bottom does look like a Yorkshire terrier.

M.C. Hammer's Parachute Pants Seriously Ain't Got Nothin' on These!

At least those parachute pants were uniformly big throughout. These jeans don't seem to fit into the category of 'baggy' or 'tight.' Given that the only portion that's actually tight is the lower-third of the pants, I'd call them more a baggy high-rise jean myself. In reality, they look like mom-jeans more than anything else.

Please use the image to the left as a visual reinforcement of the definition below.

Mom Jeans (n): [mawm jeanz]

"Often seen on the 40+ crowd, mom jeans are too high, too tight, tapered leg jeans which manage to showcase any bodily flaw the wearer has. Possible outcomes: The butt will be compressed so it doesn't stick out, it will instead be pushed to the sides, making it look far wider than it actually is. The genital triangle will be emphasized and outlined (see camel toe or FUPA). The hips will look wider because of the butt compression and the tapering of the legs.

In addition, mom jeans are often light in color, which further emphasizes the outcomes mentioned above. They also come in the elastic-waist variety which further defines the genital triangle. " (Definition obtained via urbandictionary.com)

Recall that I predicted that after you read through and reviewed each of these failed styles, you'd agree that society would be better off without those who insist on creating fashion mess.





...so should we make it a public show and stone them to death? Or just lock them up and let them think about their actions?

Wednesday's Flavor: Blueberry Design

Your New Favorite Restaurant is Within Ass-Reach!

In thinking up an interesting topic for today's 'design inspired' blog post, I recalled seeing something online about a toilet-shaped house some months ago. All systems were go for the 'toilet house' until I searched it and found something even better.

Still keeping in the spirit of the shitter, the Marton Theme Restaurant is the world's first eatery dedicated entirely to the latrine.



The restaurant was named after 'Matong,' the Chinese word for toilet, and serves guests on plates that look like traditional toilet seats or bowls that look like Japanese squat toilets. To truly appreciate the design of a Japanese toilet, take a peek here.

And us women complain when guys leave the seat up. Hell, at least we have a seat to put up! I didn't exactly see one in those pictures...

Regardless, the food is rumored to be spectacular and the atmosphere very light and cheery...which is all it really can be when you're pulled up to the dinner table via loo. The price ranges anywhere from $5 to $14 USD for a full-course meal that includes soup and ice cream dessert. You might want consider dropping by for a visit on your next trip to Taiwan!

Be sure to order a bowlful of curry chicken soup or chocolate ice cream when you go- chefs and guests both get a kick out of those, as I understand, because they look like the 'real thing.' Nothing makes a light-hearted meal like having to visualize your food as a steamy serving of hot doo.

Yum.

Oh, and in case you're still wondering about that toilet shaped house (or just haven't seen it yet)...you're in luck!



I guess you could say this place is a bit of a dump!

Tuesday's Flavor: Pester-Me Pineapple

Problems Brewing Around the House...

It's one thing to be annoyed by things when you're out and about, but at-home annoyances should be able to be monitored...if not controlled and eliminated.

I recently moved back home to California (not by my own choosing) after having moved to Victoria, British Columbia just after my high-school graduation. I was away for 2 years, and it's like I never even left: same shit, different day...or year, rather. I was 17 when I moved away to go to University. I'm 19 now with about half of my undergrad finished, and I'm back in the same spot I was when I left. FML.

Today's blog shares three of the most prominent 'around the house' peeves that don't seem to have resolved themselves within that 2-year period.

Most of you will be able to identify, I'm sure.

1. Piles of Clean Laundry: Based on my simple observation, these infamous mounds are created via one of two methods:

1. Just following the completion of the dryer cycle, they never quite make it to the folding stage. The completed clothes are usually just heaped together and dropped in a central location.
2. The finished clothes do undergo folding, but are never safely placed into a drawer or hung-up on a hanger.

The usual consequence of these clean laundry piles is a laundry limbo of sorts, where all clothes (dirty or clean) revolve in a cycle that resembles a purgatory-like state. They never quite stay in the washer, but never really make it to a final resting place either.



2. Empty (n.) in the (place in kitchen): This peeve covers anything and everything that's empty and stays wherever it belongs rather than getting trashed, as is typically done when consumable wares are finished. The most common victims of maldisposal are boxed goods (crackers, cookies, snack foods, etc...) and large containers of liquids. Failing to throw away empty wares creates a sense of false hope for those that are looking to indulge in whatever fills the hollow container that has been left behind.

Worse than empty containers that are left to linger are containers that have unusable amounts of (item) left. Example*:

"It's 3am and your rumbling tummy has just woken you up from a sound sleep. You had a decent-sized dinner around 6pm, but it wasn't enough to satisfy you for the duration of your slumber. Eff.

So you stumble into the kitchen and decide that a bowl of corn flakes is a good choice- not too heavy, pretty healthy, and good enough to keep you until morning. Your bowl is full, your spoon is on the ready...now for the milk! You open the fridge and pull out the carton, so close! After opening the spout and inverting the carton, you sorrowfully look on as .0345 seconds worth of milk (or 3 lonely drops) lazily dabbles out. At a loss for words, you sink to your knees and begin to sob, questioning your awakening and existence without measure."

*Based on a true, fairly-recent and highly depressing story.

If somebody would have just used up that other 1/4 teaspoon of milk or disposed of the jug, you'd have still been able to enjoy the cereal rather than return to bed hungry and pissed off. I suppose you could argue that the weight of the carton may have alluded to the emptiness of the container, but keep in mind that it's 3am and you just woke up. I'm pretty sure we don't always think in terms of relative weight and volume when we're tired as balls and effing hungry.

3. Failed Dish Duty: Dish washing is at the ultimate fail when the dishwasher is empty or partially loaded with dirty dishes, and people insist on still placing their dirty contributions in the sink. The general outcome of doing such involves formation of an unnecessary dish mound, frustration for the dishwasher and overall resentment of the situation- all of which could have been prevented if a routine dishwasher check were performed.



What's even worse is when you're in the middle of transferring dirty dishes from the sink into the dishwasher, and someone walks into the kitchen and casually places their dirty dishes in the sink...as if you're not standing there loading up the dishwasher already.



I'm still working on an effective way to encourage people to get it together, for lack of better words. If and when a successful strategy is developed, a public-service announcement will be broadcast to share the secret!

Monday's Flavor: Compelling Cherry

The Most Revolutionary Product of All!

This Monday's milkshake shares such a compelling item, I had to do some pretty deep research into it before I decided to share. I couldn't figure out for the life of me whether it was just a funny, or actually something serious!

This may be the "be all and end all" of all products, folks.

Check out the video demonstration and see if you can figure out what's going on:



Yes, boys and girls.
It appears they've actually done it.

The Pond Inc. is a fairly odd company that's responsible for the Subtle Butt fart neutralizer demonstrated in the above video. The small carbon fabric pad is about 3x3 inches and adheres to the inside of your underwear via self-adhesive strips. As the toot is delivered, Subtle Butt receives the flatulence to absorb, filter and neutralize the odor...permitting you (and those around you) to live another day.

The Pond Inc. also offers similar strange products, such as disposable underarm shields, drool eraser and disposable adhesive underwear.

Subtle Butt comes as good news to those who insist on eating excessive amounts of any of the following foods:

• Beans
• Cabbage
• Sauerkraut (which is made from cabbage)
• Burritos (which contain beans)
• Onions
• Broccoli
• Some carbonated beverages
• Lentils
• Some dairy products
• Most vegetables
• Any other foods that are rich in starch, cellulose or lactose
  

You can now indulge in any of the aforementioned yummies and still maintain a social life, all thanks to the Subtle Butt fart neutralizer! Pick up your pack of five neutralizers here.

I'm almost positive that I won't be investing...given that girls only fart sunshine, cinnamon buns and rainbows.

...although I'm told it's actually something more like this:

But if they invent some fart neutralizers for dogs....I'm in!